Being bipolar can be the pitts sometimes, especially when you charge right into mania and most times you are unaware that it is happening.  For our folks who are not aware what mania is, the best way that I describe it is your brain working over time-big time over time.  One of the most pronounced symptoms is you lose the ability to sleep.  When I was in deep mania heading into a major psychosis (a break with reality) I lost my sleeping pattern and it began with staying up super late, like 5am, and it bordered on dangerous when I did not sleep for 3 days.  I also gained a keen ability to type really quickly and my ability to rhyme and write became astonishingly amazing!  I also wrote a 33 page document, single spaced, on how to win the next federal election.  It was brilliant or so I thought that being the next Prime Minister was the next best thing to winning a trip to the Caribbean. 

You do silly things when you are in mania and don’t even realize that they are strange.  A friend once told me that “crazy people love to take their clothes off.”  Well she is right, I have heard of so many incidences where people in mania just want to have their butt to the breeze and I am one of them!  I recall believing I was Eve from the garden of Eden and as I walked around my apartment mesmerized by my epiphany I could hear God telling me that my Adam was next door, so naturally I would knock on the door and say hello.  I had only met my neighbour once and as he stood there perplexed upon seeing me I let myself in and explained my dilemma that he was Adam and I had to speak with him.  As I sat on the edge of his couch he said ” Wow, you are just as comfortable naked as if you had your clothes on!”  This incident was one of many that lead me to the Ottawa hospital where I was admitted for a month for my first experience of having mania and psychosis.  As I walked the hallways in the hospital for what felt like days, the amazing feeling of being in mania subsided and I was forced to be in the real world once again, it was quite the crash.  

Sometimes people go off their medications because the feeling of being in mania is intoxicating as it is like taking ecstasy times a million or so I am told.    I understand why people go off their medications and I do not scorn them, besides the horrible side-effects they experience, the feeling of mania is so overwhelmingly beautiful, feeling like nothing else one would experience in this world.  However, I do recommend staying on your meds because mania is too intense and is an experience that this world cannot handle coping with or ourselves for that matter.  You can’t be insane in a sane world, but many would argue that statement as our world seems pretty insane at times.  If we were all in mania, all the time, this world would be a pretty cool place to live, but till then stay safe and remember with a high is always a crashing low, so plunging deep into mania is not worth it if you can help it.  This Eve must go to sleep now in her garden of Eden…or bed…I realize sleeping has become massively important next to breathing as it is vital for a life full of meaning, positive productivity and taking care of your delicate self.  Much Love, Babe 

Wow!  Talk about drawing a blank and my motivation is about as active as a…I don’t even know how to describe it!  I feel like there is this empty hole inside of me and a certain kind of restlessness that haunts me and nothing I do feels like I am being satisfied.  I have been doing some research and I found out that this can actually be a side effect of this new medication that I am on.  Restlessness is one of the common side effects of Abilify. What restlessness means is that you can’t sit down, can’t settle down to do anything, but you have an inner urge to keep moving, in my case to sit for some time at the computer, then move to the TV, then have a bike ride, then have something to eat in a manner that I never feel satisfied!  Then there are days where I feel so tired, bored and in a serious withdrawing rut, to the point where nothing is satisfying and everything feels like falling into one dark hole after another.  I applaude myself for the two bike rides I have taken though…this is a rarity.  As you can tell my writing abilities have subsided slightly and sleep is a curse as I am unable to have any real deep sleep without induced medication.  I just want my normal life back when I was working and I am starting to feel resentful about not being able to partake in the work force.  I still have those ‘acid’ type feelings that I described in my previous blog and if an episode were to happen at work that would be devastating.  I just don’t feel sure of myself and the anxiety is daunting that I can barely sit still at a dinner party or lunch with a friend without catching myself holding my breath waiting for the next spell.  I hate writing down what is going on with me as I often feel like I am complaining…my friends calling it sharing.

Greetings babe community,

A new idea has swirled into babe land this week and our first feature story has arrived here on Babe’s Blog today.  From time to time I will feature a story from a ‘babe’ or ‘beau’ living with bipolar disorder.  Please submit your stories to babe@bipolarbabe.com and shine like the star that you are! 

I am introducing a fabulous lady who has an intriguing and most interesting story about her experiences of living with bipolar disorder.  She asserts she is a little nervous about sharing in such detail and length.  I admire her courage and her very entertaining work is showcased at www.manicdepressivetalk.com.   This is her personal venue where she share her thoughts on many of the issues surrounding bipolar disorder and includes funny posts such as: A Confession of Sorts: Some of the Most Embarassing Things I have Thought About While in a State of Utter Mania!  Becky also has a chat forum so everyone can participate in stigma free conversations. 

She is witty, charming and I adore her passion for creating open spaces to talk about mental illness, which speaks to her bravery and just plain awesomness.  She is a true bipolar babe! 

Becky Kingsley’s Story

“I was 23 when I first was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  My uncle has it, so I pretty much knew what to expect and I was relieved to have an explanation for all of the crazy stuff that I had been going through.  In Jr. High, right after puberty and the onset of a more than a couple of pimples, I started to get paranoid about losing my friends. This was before cell phones, so I sent them neatly folded messages in class shaped like arrows and hearts and whatever else I could make, which asked them “Are you still my friend?”  I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s when my depression started and it lasted on and off for a few years.  My grades went up and down with my mood swings.   One year I was an “A” student and the next year, I was barely passing school and I had decided to “stop taking” two classes.  Somehow, I managed to make it to graduation despite an extremely close call when I ran into a teacher on my way out the door to skip school.  I was fortunately given Saturday School, just like the Breakfast Club, and I didn’t get suspended.

College was much easier than high school. The truth is that if you are a little different in high school, sometimes it’s hard to find your niche; after high school, in college or the real world, more people are likely to appreciate you for who you are.  The “real world”?  I transitioned to the real world and I complained to my friends constantly and felt a little depressed, so I decided to get career counseling.  I went in to see my doctor to get a referral to request a counselor or therapist.   Instead of giving me a referral, the doctor suggested Prozac and I decided to take his advice. I had broken the cardinal rule – never go to a GP for psychiatric advice.   Listening to him turned out to be a bad mistake although that may not be the case for everyone.

Mania hit within a month, I went from a highly functional hypo-maniac individual to a literal “lunatic” unfit for society.  I felt as if I had a special mission from a higher force, which is strange because I wasn’t religious at all, and I went severely off the deep end.  I quit my job, told my boss I was going to write a book about how to be happy, and believed that I was communicating with people from beyond the grave.  I was involuntarily committed to a treatment facility, which is also known as a psych ward.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but that place was unique.  It was small and the staff really cared about the patients, which should be the norm, but it isn’t.  I stayed about a week and plotted my escape.  To get out, I needed someone to accompany me on an outing, but no one I called was available, so I took my friend’s mom to the movies.  I got kicked out and the doctor gave me my walking papers and I was back working in a week.

Fast forward to a few years later on a tropical beach…feeling a little festive one night, I thought it would be a great idea to “christen” the other partiers on the beach with a nice mixture of sand and mud, but they thought otherwise, and tookthe steps necessary to get me help and to get me home.  Going crazy was actually fun the first time.  I was beyond wacky, had fun decorating with lipstick, saw an aura surrounding a nurse who delivered newborns and thought I was the next great Messiah to hit the planet.  After my first episode, I had people so impressed by my stories that they wished they had bipolar too, which was nice.  The next episode was not so much fun.  I had body aches and pains in weird places, I had anxiety and fear (something I had been totally without the first time) and couldn’t get my groove back for a long while.  Afterwards, I went right back to teaching and I went through a doctor who didn’t know as much as he should have about medication so I had NO ENERGY whatsoever.

Depression.  I couldn’t work.  I got suicidal and had nobody to talk to about it but my doctor, whom I called every day begging for medication that would help me.  I was staying with family and felt useless and empty.  I slowly started to return to the land of the living.  I volunteered and took classes and tried to stay positive when all I could think about were dark thoughts.  I never attempted suicide, but I thought about it.  Somehow, I survived.  I went back to the ‘place’ where I had last gone what society calls ‘crazy’ and it took all of my courage just to face everyone after my humiliation subsequent to the manic episode and all of the terrible things I had done and said.  I wasn’t suicidal at this point, but my self-esteem had definitely taken a blow.  I faced and dealt with some of the people that I had problems with and traveled alone a bit.  While I take responsibility for my actions during my mania, truthfully I believe I blew many of my actions totally out of proportion.  I needed money, so got back in the classroom, but I started to get anxious while teaching and felt sucked absolutely dry by my ESL students.  I came home to the USA and started all over again.  This time from scratch.  Since I’ve been back, I’ve worked a number of jobs.  I believe I still feel weirder than most people , but I like it because it’s what makes me ‘me’.  I’m proud to be different.  I’m more creative as a result and have more than a few interesting stories to tell.

Bipolar Babe asked what advice, if any, I would give a younger person with similar problems.

‘Believe in yourself and follow your passions. You might feel that your diagnosis hinders you, but it opens more doors by giving you a reason to search inside yourself more deeply to find the real you.
Talk to people.  If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts or you want to harm yourself, you have to ‘tell’ people. It’s the only way that they can help you. It’s hard to believe, but there are a ton of people who have been in the same situation and who have only grown stronger from their experiences.  Read about Bipolar Disorder- understanding your illness helps you. Educating yourself about medication, stress-releases, symptoms and possible triggers are all great ways to help yourself.’

I may have lost out on a lot because of my bipolar disorder and it’s taken a lot of my time and made my relationships more difficult, but I’ve learned about myself and others.  I don’t always feel ok, but that’s a part of life and I have definitely learned to accept myself the way I am, but to also accept my limitations.  Currently, I am writing about bipolar disorder, living back in the United States, enjoying my friends and family, and I feel that I am on the right path.”

I believed the earth was shaking, when I was first in the psych ward, an actual snow blower came up against the window causing my adrenaline levels to rise in terror. Another patient ran to my side assuring me that I was okay but I was not convinced. I hid in the pitch-black laundry room thinking it was the only safe place in the hospital, but in the next heartbeat I thought I would be crushed to death by a pending earthquake. I had to keep moving, even if it was in circles, around and around the ward. Amusingly, it now reminds me of being on a racetrack.

I walked the hallways, unable to sleep for days, ingesting pill after pill, trying to close my eyes, which felt spry and stapled open. When I observed my reflection in the mirror I saw something divine. I believed my body was a holy temple for souls to rest in. But despite my intense spiritual experiences, I just continued walking the hallways, unable to sleep. I was only twenty-six years old and I was being hospitalized for the second time. I will never forget my new psychiatrist first approaching me and asking if I was okay.

Earlier that day I felt like I had been beaten to a pulp, but when he spoke I was listening to the gentlest and kindest voice I had heard in years. My last doctor, at the other end of the country in Ottawa was also magnificent—a kind French man. But his office was bright yellow and I believed the colour stimulated my hunger (perhaps explaining my 35-pound weight gain). But this new doctor, Dr. J, seemed to care even more if I was okay. He told me I should take a shower, something I had not done for days and I was motivated to do it. Dr. J reminded me of how special and successful I was. After having only been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks, I was determined to go to Korea to teach English. He prescribed me six months of medication, even though I had met him because of a suicide attempt. He never questioned me. He trusted and respected me. This was amazing because I never even respected myself. When I rambled on about creating an organization about Bipolar Disorder, he never seemed to doubt me and now I am learning not to doubt myself. 

I cannot just throw a cast on my brain and head back to work thinking I am ‘okay’, so instead of being hard on myself and justifying my absence to others and myself, simply okay saying I am in recovery and doing better thank I was.  There are times when I do feel pretty good but with the nature of bipolar disorder it seems it is difficult to find a stable long lasting balance in my mood, sleep and way of being.  This time has been humbling and I am grateful for the things I have been able to accomplish, but I have found peace now in knowing that recovery is where I am at and that is good enough for me.  I have chats with my psych nurse to thank for this.   

I actually want to head off to boot camp to do something to ease the depression and restlessness.  It is only by sheer will-power will this happen so I need to throw myself into a structured routine that will push and motivate me.  Alter Ego Fitness…hmmm…I think this is what I need to do this awesome boot camp program!     I am scared, but excited!  Talk soon and thanks for reading.  xo ~Andrea

ther·a·py (thr-p) n. pl. ther·a·pies

2. Psychotherapy.3. Healing power or quality: the therapy of fresh air and sun. I believe we all need therapy to get well and without it I simply feel like a walking-breathing pharmaceutical person.  There is so much more to wellness than medication and I have found ways to ‘therapuize’ myself over the years, but it was not always so easy.  People tell you to go see a shrink but the reality is that many certified counselors cost over $100/hr and life coaches charge a similar rate, so what is one to do when you have little money and you need some therapy?

ART THERAPY – I have only learned as of late that I have find much comfort in painting.  I spent a small amount on paints, many that could be bought at the dollar store and soon discovered that with a stroke of the brush it brings me a sense of solace, even at times when I have been frazzled and distraught.  I am able to translate my emotions on paper in a way that is gratifying and it reminds me that I don’t have to ‘look good’ for anybody as this time is just about me. 

POETRY THERAPY – I have been writing poetry for years and I don’t recall when I began.  I just knew that the couplets rhymed at an early age and it allowed me to express myself freely as my friend and I exchanged verses.  I have found throughout my life that writing and writing poetry have both been essential in my healing.  There is nothing more rewarding than having a boyfriend break up with you and slamming him with a few great rhymes and it brought me peace in Korea when I was overseas after one of my hospitalizations.  I have shared many of my poems at www.bipolarbabe.com on the ‘Poetry Therapy’ page with titles such as Embrace the Shadows and Fabulous.  Poetry really helps with my highs and my lows and I often cry bringing me relief easing my pain.  You don’t have to rhyme your poetry but the important thing is to get it out and allow its healing powers to take effect.

SOUND THERAPY – I recently met a young man named J Peachy and he hosts a radio program called Sound Therapy Radio, which can be located at http://soundtherapyradio.com  Sound Therapy Radio – ‘Art of the Mind’  broadcasts on a bi-weekly basis in a spoken word and music format. If you cannot hear it live, an archived broadcast can be heard on this website. They take a client, peer support approach to their content, however you do not have to be in the mental health system to benefit. They hope those not formally diagnosed can become educated about various issues that may apply to them. There is nothing better than some sound or music therapy. Sound Therapy Radio episodes are on every second Monday @ 7pm, (1st, 3rd and 5th Monday) @ CJSF 90.1 FM

I reccomend to try to adopt a G.I. diet lifestyle (low sugar and portioned eating), and I also ensure to drink ALOT of water (10-12 cups a day) to flush my meds through my system.  Walking is free and I enjoy dressing warmly with a winter coat and gloves in the evening, strutting in the Fall weather, while listening to relaxing music.  I need to take time for myself and I often forget this, and when I do I feel amazing.  Most of all I realize that bipolar often has its own ideas and if things fall off course a little, but I can simply turn to my therapies and work to bring myself back to a balance.  I also spend time with friends and family, even if on the  phone, as these are my most significant resources for happiness.  Most of all look in the mirror and realize that you made it here and in the end all things work itself out.  It helps to pray a little too.                                                           

~Babe

Having bipolar disorder I have floated so high as to literally see the stars below me in a breath taking gaze above the earth, and in the next heart beat seeing the devil dancing and laughing at me during a torrid and insane psychosis. It was as real as breathing air into my lungs and as natural as opening my eyes to wake in the morning. Bipolar has brought me to my knees losing all ability to prepare a meal for myself becoming disabled and confined to my bed for days at a time. Taking a shower has felt like an attempt to build a house on my own and I recall not being able to taste my food as ALL things were stale and bland. However, I feel that due to bipolar I laugh harder, feel deeper and at times my thoughts flow in perfect harmony allowing my creative juices to boil for poetry, art and writing. Although my hands shake and I depend on medication to function, I see bipolar as my cursed gift as it has brought me to become a relatable figure opening a space for others to heal and share their story.

We hear the arguments that have almost become trite about mental illness being compared to diabetes or heart disease, but if we were to truly reflect, consider and accept this point of view, then our attitudes toward the mentally ill would certainly alter. Our brains are organic entities and our doctors operate in a biomedical model who tell us that it is merely a chemical dysfunction in the brain, hence the recommendation for prescription drugs. Just as a person with diabetes requires insulin, so do I require a mood stabilizer mixed with an anti-psychotic, but surely my prescription would be the only one that would raise questions and doubts.

Babe Thoughts, Andrea

June is a friend and a beautiful survivor of bipolar disorder and an author of ‘Re-Write Your Life’.  Her book and workshops bring a lot of healing for everyone, and I have experienced it first hand.

Join a group of budding and seasoned writers for a Delicious Writer’s Feast! A free-flowing writing experience that stimulates the imagination and offers a fun and easy approach to creative writing.  It has brought me to be moved, touched and inspired and has assisted me in writing my own book. 

Re-Write Your Life: A Transformational Guide to Writing and Healing the Stories of Our Lives

“June Swadron is both a guide and a muse. Her book is a bright lantern, illuminating the often dark and tricky terrain of the soul. Grounded in personal experience, her techniquescatalyze the deep authenticity possible to us all.” 

Julia Cameron, author of  The Artist’s Way

That is exactly how I have been feeling as I try to coast by way through this medication adjustment period, but taking naps in my car in between errands is the last of my worries.  It feels more like I am life’s surfer crashing, falling and being tossed among the waves of a bipolar storm.  I recently had a medication tweak and I am realizing quite a significant one as I am transitioning from one anti-psychotic to another with a few other tweaks along the way.    I have been experiencing some very strange symptoms and/or side-effects as of late, but I am beginning to wonder if they are all that unique.  I have only heard of one person who has experienced something similar, so here it goes…I will try my best to paint you a picture of the world of babe having an ‘episode’ being affected with bipolar disorder. 

I decided it was going to be a fabulous day and took a stroll with my boyfriend down to Oak Bay Avenue and it was gloriously charming.  The oak trees hung above our heads as we walked holding hands, the air was crisp, and we shared stories about the past and future all the while seal watching on the dock.  As we we returning to the car, it hit me like a wave…whoosh!!!  I was in the surf and tumbling deep into the water…what did this ‘episode’ feel like?  As I stared at the ground, the rocks on the sidewalk started to appear as if they were raised up, like they were a top layer above the laid ashpalt and every tiny speck (mark, dirt, twig, berry, piece of garbage, etc.) became as visible as the cars on the road in front of me.   As I looked over at my boyfriend I told him that the ‘feeling’ I had told him about that I had experienced a long time ago seemed to be creeping over me.  Then my experience became familiar and I was angry…’how could this be happening again?’  The tears began to well…being around people felt uncomfortable and the lights began to beam brightly.  As I sat in the passenger seat I explained that as I tried to focus on letters, whether on a street sign or the back of a car, it was blurry and all lines became fuzzy or doubled.  All of my senses were heightened but in a squirmy and uncomfortable way.  Even depth perception was a blur.  I felt paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin and it was an overwhelming debilitating feeling that washed over me.

I came home feeling panic stricken and nervous but I began to feel somewhat comforted by the familiar surroundings of my home and my very empathetic boyfriend; I just held my cat while laying on the couch and things eased.  It felt safe to be indoors where all the stimuli did not feel like it was attacking me.  Later on today, I still feel the shell shock effects from the bipolar ‘episode’ but at least I can focus enough to write this blog, which is sure sign that this adjustment will simply be a readjustment into a new balanced and healthy place.  We all surf the waves of life and at some point we crash, get caught up in the waves, maybe even get tossed, but the most important thing is to grab your surf board and keep swimming because eventually you will catch the dream wave and stand long enough to enjoy it.  As I lay here on the shore, I am happy to have had this experience today because it allowed me to share it with you and hopefully encourage you to KEEP ON surfing babe!!

I randomly met a young lady through facebook named Melissa and she lives a wonderful and plentiful life embracing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  This is a mental illness that is is a characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions).  I am sure once you read Melissa’s blog at http://blogs.mindingyourmind.org/my_fight_for_imperfection/ you will learn so much more-an intimate view of OCD.  She is clever as she plays on words such as IMPerfection which reminds me that we are all truly perfect the way we are and of course mental illness is perfectly packaged in our gift of life.

This young lady is quite ambitious and is a Keynote Speaker for mental health issues in the USA at 23 years old!  Amazing!  She is a mental health advocate, actress and author and takes part in organizing and runs in stigma stomping marathons for mental health.  I plan to do the same in Victoria, BC and I was amazed when I stumbled on to her website and the slogan ‘Stomping on Stigma’ echoed each other.  It felt very cool to know I was meant to cross her path.

Many may often feel it can be distressing ‘waiting’ for your dream career or life’s goal to be achieved, but as I have told Melissa perhaps just consider taking it in stride and enjoy the ride.  Where are we truly trying to ‘get to?’  We are here now making an impact and I have learned that it is about binding together in the world, striving in stomping stigma steps to create a beautiful place to live that is accepting for those with a mental illness.

Melissa, I will need your guidance to help our team create a ’Stigma Stomp Marathon’?  Was it a marathon you hosted or just a run?  A run, I hope!  Thank you for all that you do, all that you are and your radiance and warmth shines in this world.  It is recognized and appreciated. 

Please Visit Melissa’s website at: http://www.melissahopely.com/ and view her national award winning video: Journey to A Better Day…isn’t is an amazing place to be, as we are living in that better day and the journey just gets better and better each day.

Much love and hugs,

Bipolar Babe  xo

It is a difficult place to be in when someone you care about wants to spend time with you and you want to be with them, but you feel as if you are wrapped in chains and can not get out of bed.  They aren’t really understanding why you are not just simply getting out of bed, but lay lethargic until late in the afternoon and they find it difficult to grasp that it is not something you can just ‘get over’. 

I have been depressed for quite some time now and I realized today that what I actually might be experiencing is a ‘mixed’ state.  I feel all over the place to the point where I often cannot articulate it at all, from feeling so tired that I sleep 12-14 hours a night to now staying up until 3-5AM feeling wired these past 2 weeks and waking up early feeling quite sparky after 4 hours sleep.  I usually then drain and crash for the latter part of the afternoon and intertwined with all of this I am very irritable, sad and then at times intermittently productive, but it is such a whirlwind.  I am not complaining, well maybe a bit, but I have never been in this kind of state before and wonder if anybody else has felt similarly? 

Due to doctor’s orders I am staying awake on 4 hours sleep all day until tonight, hoping that when I double up my sedative medication (also on orders) that I will feel somewhat composed for my 8:30AM appointment with Dr. Song in the morning.  I am off work right now and my boyfriend is right, I don’t know how to relax.  He bought me a beautiful spa package for my birthday and here I am in my pj’s, and feeling so ‘blah’ and feeling quite guilty about it as many of us do.  This is not the blues, this is bipolar BUT I will now stand up and take that shower, make that spa appointment, eat lunch and take a long walk with my boyfriend.  It will feel like I am building a house, moving bricks and wood, but as long as I do a little bit, keep pushing and don’t give in too  much to the depression, I know I will be okay.    It felt good to write that!  Thanks for reading and I love you all! xo  

Babe

Picture credit: elfwood.com