Well, here I am on the brink of a place I never thought I would be…heading “home” back to Sudbury, Ontario.  People say “Awesome, have fun!”  “Lucky you!”  Sudbury represents so much more than a place of dread for me, but a beginning where my life was heading down a deep black hole.  Divorced parents, high school bullying, a broken heart, etc.  This time it is not about me though, but about my gramps who is severely sick and has asbestos in his lungs and now has phenomena with a very poor outlook.  It was so cute how every time I talked to him I would ask him how he was doing and he would always say, “Another day, another foot on the ground.”   The last time I talked to him he said “I am going my dear.”  I told him it was ok to go and that I loved him.  Days later I was having lunch with a friend and she said “Well, you have to go, of course you do!”  It never dawned on me that I should or perhaps that I could do it.  Can you believe it, I dumped a ton of my savings and bought a ticket to Ontario and I leave tonight.  I am excited as I scramble for places to stay, but keep a close eye on my own mental health.  I have been noticing a certain anxiety overpowering me lately and a kind of feeling more spaced out than usual.  I need to take care of my “time zones” as it is imperative that people with bipolar disorder get enough sleep and try their best not to get de-clocked from the time zone change.  I know there will be moments of high anxiety and a lot of tears as two distant family members have died in the past two weeks too, so there will be funerals to attend while I am there too.  I just pray that I am able to conjure up the strength to be the person I want/need to be for everyone else.  I hope that I can make people smile and forget about my own worries for awhile.  I can make the best of this and aim to put happiness in the hearts of the people that are important to me and I plan to…but all the while keeping in check that I am okay.

Being bipolar can be the pitts sometimes, especially when you charge right into mania and most times you are unaware that it is happening.  For our folks who are not aware what mania is, the best way that I describe it is your brain working over time-big time over time.  One of the most pronounced symptoms is you lose the ability to sleep.  When I was in deep mania heading into a major psychosis (a break with reality) I lost my sleeping pattern and it began with staying up super late, like 5am, and it bordered on dangerous when I did not sleep for 3 days.  I also gained a keen ability to type really quickly and my ability to rhyme and write became astonishingly amazing!  I also wrote a 33 page document, single spaced, on how to win the next federal election.  It was brilliant or so I thought that being the next Prime Minister was the next best thing to winning a trip to the Caribbean. 

You do silly things when you are in mania and don’t even realize that they are strange.  A friend once told me that “crazy people love to take their clothes off.”  Well she is right, I have heard of so many incidences where people in mania just want to have their butt to the breeze and I am one of them!  I recall believing I was Eve from the garden of Eden and as I walked around my apartment mesmerized by my epiphany I could hear God telling me that my Adam was next door, so naturally I would knock on the door and say hello.  I had only met my neighbour once and as he stood there perplexed upon seeing me I let myself in and explained my dilemma that he was Adam and I had to speak with him.  As I sat on the edge of his couch he said ” Wow, you are just as comfortable naked as if you had your clothes on!”  This incident was one of many that lead me to the Ottawa hospital where I was admitted for a month for my first experience of having mania and psychosis.  As I walked the hallways in the hospital for what felt like days, the amazing feeling of being in mania subsided and I was forced to be in the real world once again, it was quite the crash.  

Sometimes people go off their medications because the feeling of being in mania is intoxicating as it is like taking ecstasy times a million or so I am told.    I understand why people go off their medications and I do not scorn them, besides the horrible side-effects they experience, the feeling of mania is so overwhelmingly beautiful, feeling like nothing else one would experience in this world.  However, I do recommend staying on your meds because mania is too intense and is an experience that this world cannot handle coping with or ourselves for that matter.  You can’t be insane in a sane world, but many would argue that statement as our world seems pretty insane at times.  If we were all in mania, all the time, this world would be a pretty cool place to live, but till then stay safe and remember with a high is always a crashing low, so plunging deep into mania is not worth it if you can help it.  This Eve must go to sleep now in her garden of Eden…or bed…I realize sleeping has become massively important next to breathing as it is vital for a life full of meaning, positive productivity and taking care of your delicate self.  Much Love, Babe 

Well, it appears I am on the hypo-manic roller coaster…what am I talking about?  Hmmmm… sometimes things seem too smooth, like to thoroughly clean and tidy up your entire house in 30 minutes seems normal, to bust out 30 pages of writing towards a book, take 3 exercise classes in one night and to feel on top of the world for about 4 days, then CRASH you are at the bottom of the roller coaster ride.  To prepare something to eat feels like building a house and even when you do all things are bland and the only thing you can think about is when you can return back to bed.    Today will be my first venture outside the house in three days and the only reason is because I have a doctor’s appointment.  I watch my boyfriend scurry between two jobs and then play cricket at the end of the day returning home at 8pm.  I am exhausted just watching him and I am embarrassed that I did not shower until 3:45pm that day.  I am going to the doctor’s today and I am hoping for the right cocktail, thank goodness the acidy feelings have gone away for now and I am wishing for the energy to enjoy my days.  Darn roller coaster, it is time to get off this ride!

I am now reporting back after my appointment and my nurse and I had an eye opening conversation.  Did you know that you still have the ability to move even when you are depressed?  It was news to me.  No matter how difficult or hard it may be I can still choose to function, even if that means a 10 minute walk outside or getting out of bed to make a blog entry.  I learned about self talk and I realized that the manner in which I address myself in my own world is not a way I would talk to a friend, but is actually quite horrifying at times.  Have you ever listened to your responsive yourself?  When I am low, I can force myself into the shower, even if that is as much as I can accomplish in one day.  Having a mental illness or not, we all have days where we feel unproductive, meaningless and down on the roller coaster ride, but hey, that coaster always comes back up doesn’t it?  It has for me tonight and besides if I got off the coaster altogether then would that mean normality?  Hmmm…who would want that?  lol 

It is so hard when you are on long term disability because I fear people will see me and think ‘What is she doing outside the house?  Should she not be sick?  I had wondered if I had perhaps had a heart attack would it had been a different situation-conversation in my head?  “Oh Andrea, we hope the chest pains have ceased!  We are so happy you survived that heart attack.  Well you look great so we hope to see your healthy bouncy self  back at work soon!”  I know I should not form any expectations of everyone nor should I ever expect anyone to say ‘I am so happy your brain is working better.’ 

As I feel uneasy and wondering if I could do anything to make the experience of seeing people from work better, just then Tony pulled up on his bike, clicking his annoying bell yelling ‘ice cream, ice cream’!  It was so nice to see Ton from work as it had been a long time.  He gave me the biggest hug and said he missed me.  He joked that it was taking a long time to get me back to work.  I explained how a relapse is a serious predicament to have and it takes time to heal and to also get the right meds in place.  If people only knew how slow of a process it really is.  I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for being there for me.  Did I learn anything from this?

I decide how I feel about a situation.  Another can treat me in whatever manner they choose but at the end of the day it is I who chooses how I react and how I internalize it and I can choose not to.  I also learned it is great to have true friends like Tony who yell ‘ice-cream’ down the street.  How can I not smile?