Today I was contacted by a father named Ed Schwartzman, a very sad, but hopeful man who shared an amazing story about his son Ben who died by suicide on October 15, 2007 – he was only 19 years old.  Since Ben’s death, his father’s goal has been to help reduce the number of teen suicides.  As I looked at hundreds of pictures of Ben on his facebook group, I noticed how handsome and fun he looked, just a regular young man in high school doing his thing.  I don’t know the whole story except that he had bipolar disorder, a very pretty girlfriend and he loved to play the guitar. He was smiling and masked any sense of pain because his face always seemed lit up of sparkling laughter, except one picture where he looked weary and somewhat forlorn.

His father mentioned that many other teens commit suicide – but there is something significant about Ben’s life that could make his death the turning point in battling both mental illness and teen suicide.  Ben had a gift and I surely felt this truth today.  As I clicked on myspace and listened to “Which Way to Harlem”, I loved the groove and how Ben talked about how we all have a little bit of love and “Big Man” was amazingly fun and upbeat!  Ben’s father says that the words and music his son left behind are an insight into what he and others are experiencing.   In addition, Ben’s younger sister Hayley has now recorded a song “Your Choice” which has the potential of becoming a worldwide anti-suicide anthem.  As I listen to Ben’s music I am reminded that having bipolar disorder is not all dark, drowning and depressing, but I also know, as many others with bipolar, what it is like to take that dive off to the other side, I am just so sad that Ben did not return.

I am thrilled that Ed and Hayley are working to produce a two-CD box set with all the proceeds of this project to raise money and awareness to help reduce the crippling effects of depression and bi-polar disorder.  I see so much beauty in this music that I would like to consider using it as part of the Bipolar Disorder Society of BC classroom projects and I see it as music to a video that I may produce and share with kids when I do presentations.  I have a lot of ideas!  Perhaps we could share Ben’s music online off the babe site with the world.  I believe that we can all work together to make anything happen.  I see Ed’s dream as quite attainable.  I will do everything I can to help and I hope to hear the entire CD collection soon!  Much love to Ben and his family, you are beautiful people! 

Here is a link to four of Ben’s eleven songs:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=234995711

Here is a link to Hayley’s song “Your Choice”

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=423948024

Love,

Andrea Paquette (BIPOLAR BABE) , President, BDSBC

ther·a·py (thr-p) n. pl. ther·a·pies

2. Psychotherapy.3. Healing power or quality: the therapy of fresh air and sun. I believe we all need therapy to get well and without it I simply feel like a walking-breathing pharmaceutical person.  There is so much more to wellness than medication and I have found ways to ‘therapuize’ myself over the years, but it was not always so easy.  People tell you to go see a shrink but the reality is that many certified counselors cost over $100/hr and life coaches charge a similar rate, so what is one to do when you have little money and you need some therapy?

ART THERAPY – I have only learned as of late that I have find much comfort in painting.  I spent a small amount on paints, many that could be bought at the dollar store and soon discovered that with a stroke of the brush it brings me a sense of solace, even at times when I have been frazzled and distraught.  I am able to translate my emotions on paper in a way that is gratifying and it reminds me that I don’t have to ‘look good’ for anybody as this time is just about me. 

POETRY THERAPY – I have been writing poetry for years and I don’t recall when I began.  I just knew that the couplets rhymed at an early age and it allowed me to express myself freely as my friend and I exchanged verses.  I have found throughout my life that writing and writing poetry have both been essential in my healing.  There is nothing more rewarding than having a boyfriend break up with you and slamming him with a few great rhymes and it brought me peace in Korea when I was overseas after one of my hospitalizations.  I have shared many of my poems at www.bipolarbabe.com on the ‘Poetry Therapy’ page with titles such as Embrace the Shadows and Fabulous.  Poetry really helps with my highs and my lows and I often cry bringing me relief easing my pain.  You don’t have to rhyme your poetry but the important thing is to get it out and allow its healing powers to take effect.

SOUND THERAPY – I recently met a young man named J Peachy and he hosts a radio program called Sound Therapy Radio, which can be located at http://soundtherapyradio.com  Sound Therapy Radio – ‘Art of the Mind’  broadcasts on a bi-weekly basis in a spoken word and music format. If you cannot hear it live, an archived broadcast can be heard on this website. They take a client, peer support approach to their content, however you do not have to be in the mental health system to benefit. They hope those not formally diagnosed can become educated about various issues that may apply to them. There is nothing better than some sound or music therapy. Sound Therapy Radio episodes are on every second Monday @ 7pm, (1st, 3rd and 5th Monday) @ CJSF 90.1 FM

I reccomend to try to adopt a G.I. diet lifestyle (low sugar and portioned eating), and I also ensure to drink ALOT of water (10-12 cups a day) to flush my meds through my system.  Walking is free and I enjoy dressing warmly with a winter coat and gloves in the evening, strutting in the Fall weather, while listening to relaxing music.  I need to take time for myself and I often forget this, and when I do I feel amazing.  Most of all I realize that bipolar often has its own ideas and if things fall off course a little, but I can simply turn to my therapies and work to bring myself back to a balance.  I also spend time with friends and family, even if on the  phone, as these are my most significant resources for happiness.  Most of all look in the mirror and realize that you made it here and in the end all things work itself out.  It helps to pray a little too.                                                           

~Babe

Having bipolar disorder I have floated so high as to literally see the stars below me in a breath taking gaze above the earth, and in the next heart beat seeing the devil dancing and laughing at me during a torrid and insane psychosis. It was as real as breathing air into my lungs and as natural as opening my eyes to wake in the morning. Bipolar has brought me to my knees losing all ability to prepare a meal for myself becoming disabled and confined to my bed for days at a time. Taking a shower has felt like an attempt to build a house on my own and I recall not being able to taste my food as ALL things were stale and bland. However, I feel that due to bipolar I laugh harder, feel deeper and at times my thoughts flow in perfect harmony allowing my creative juices to boil for poetry, art and writing. Although my hands shake and I depend on medication to function, I see bipolar as my cursed gift as it has brought me to become a relatable figure opening a space for others to heal and share their story.

We hear the arguments that have almost become trite about mental illness being compared to diabetes or heart disease, but if we were to truly reflect, consider and accept this point of view, then our attitudes toward the mentally ill would certainly alter. Our brains are organic entities and our doctors operate in a biomedical model who tell us that it is merely a chemical dysfunction in the brain, hence the recommendation for prescription drugs. Just as a person with diabetes requires insulin, so do I require a mood stabilizer mixed with an anti-psychotic, but surely my prescription would be the only one that would raise questions and doubts.

Babe Thoughts, Andrea

June is a friend and a beautiful survivor of bipolar disorder and an author of ‘Re-Write Your Life’.  Her book and workshops bring a lot of healing for everyone, and I have experienced it first hand.

Join a group of budding and seasoned writers for a Delicious Writer’s Feast! A free-flowing writing experience that stimulates the imagination and offers a fun and easy approach to creative writing.  It has brought me to be moved, touched and inspired and has assisted me in writing my own book. 

Re-Write Your Life: A Transformational Guide to Writing and Healing the Stories of Our Lives

“June Swadron is both a guide and a muse. Her book is a bright lantern, illuminating the often dark and tricky terrain of the soul. Grounded in personal experience, her techniquescatalyze the deep authenticity possible to us all.” 

Julia Cameron, author of  The Artist’s Way

That is exactly how I have been feeling as I try to coast by way through this medication adjustment period, but taking naps in my car in between errands is the last of my worries.  It feels more like I am life’s surfer crashing, falling and being tossed among the waves of a bipolar storm.  I recently had a medication tweak and I am realizing quite a significant one as I am transitioning from one anti-psychotic to another with a few other tweaks along the way.    I have been experiencing some very strange symptoms and/or side-effects as of late, but I am beginning to wonder if they are all that unique.  I have only heard of one person who has experienced something similar, so here it goes…I will try my best to paint you a picture of the world of babe having an ‘episode’ being affected with bipolar disorder. 

I decided it was going to be a fabulous day and took a stroll with my boyfriend down to Oak Bay Avenue and it was gloriously charming.  The oak trees hung above our heads as we walked holding hands, the air was crisp, and we shared stories about the past and future all the while seal watching on the dock.  As we we returning to the car, it hit me like a wave…whoosh!!!  I was in the surf and tumbling deep into the water…what did this ‘episode’ feel like?  As I stared at the ground, the rocks on the sidewalk started to appear as if they were raised up, like they were a top layer above the laid ashpalt and every tiny speck (mark, dirt, twig, berry, piece of garbage, etc.) became as visible as the cars on the road in front of me.   As I looked over at my boyfriend I told him that the ‘feeling’ I had told him about that I had experienced a long time ago seemed to be creeping over me.  Then my experience became familiar and I was angry…’how could this be happening again?’  The tears began to well…being around people felt uncomfortable and the lights began to beam brightly.  As I sat in the passenger seat I explained that as I tried to focus on letters, whether on a street sign or the back of a car, it was blurry and all lines became fuzzy or doubled.  All of my senses were heightened but in a squirmy and uncomfortable way.  Even depth perception was a blur.  I felt paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin and it was an overwhelming debilitating feeling that washed over me.

I came home feeling panic stricken and nervous but I began to feel somewhat comforted by the familiar surroundings of my home and my very empathetic boyfriend; I just held my cat while laying on the couch and things eased.  It felt safe to be indoors where all the stimuli did not feel like it was attacking me.  Later on today, I still feel the shell shock effects from the bipolar ‘episode’ but at least I can focus enough to write this blog, which is sure sign that this adjustment will simply be a readjustment into a new balanced and healthy place.  We all surf the waves of life and at some point we crash, get caught up in the waves, maybe even get tossed, but the most important thing is to grab your surf board and keep swimming because eventually you will catch the dream wave and stand long enough to enjoy it.  As I lay here on the shore, I am happy to have had this experience today because it allowed me to share it with you and hopefully encourage you to KEEP ON surfing babe!!

I randomly met a young lady through facebook named Melissa and she lives a wonderful and plentiful life embracing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  This is a mental illness that is is a characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions).  I am sure once you read Melissa’s blog at http://blogs.mindingyourmind.org/my_fight_for_imperfection/ you will learn so much more-an intimate view of OCD.  She is clever as she plays on words such as IMPerfection which reminds me that we are all truly perfect the way we are and of course mental illness is perfectly packaged in our gift of life.

This young lady is quite ambitious and is a Keynote Speaker for mental health issues in the USA at 23 years old!  Amazing!  She is a mental health advocate, actress and author and takes part in organizing and runs in stigma stomping marathons for mental health.  I plan to do the same in Victoria, BC and I was amazed when I stumbled on to her website and the slogan ‘Stomping on Stigma’ echoed each other.  It felt very cool to know I was meant to cross her path.

Many may often feel it can be distressing ‘waiting’ for your dream career or life’s goal to be achieved, but as I have told Melissa perhaps just consider taking it in stride and enjoy the ride.  Where are we truly trying to ‘get to?’  We are here now making an impact and I have learned that it is about binding together in the world, striving in stomping stigma steps to create a beautiful place to live that is accepting for those with a mental illness.

Melissa, I will need your guidance to help our team create a ’Stigma Stomp Marathon’?  Was it a marathon you hosted or just a run?  A run, I hope!  Thank you for all that you do, all that you are and your radiance and warmth shines in this world.  It is recognized and appreciated. 

Please Visit Melissa’s website at: http://www.melissahopely.com/ and view her national award winning video: Journey to A Better Day…isn’t is an amazing place to be, as we are living in that better day and the journey just gets better and better each day.

Much love and hugs,

Bipolar Babe  xo

It is a difficult place to be in when someone you care about wants to spend time with you and you want to be with them, but you feel as if you are wrapped in chains and can not get out of bed.  They aren’t really understanding why you are not just simply getting out of bed, but lay lethargic until late in the afternoon and they find it difficult to grasp that it is not something you can just ‘get over’. 

I have been depressed for quite some time now and I realized today that what I actually might be experiencing is a ‘mixed’ state.  I feel all over the place to the point where I often cannot articulate it at all, from feeling so tired that I sleep 12-14 hours a night to now staying up until 3-5AM feeling wired these past 2 weeks and waking up early feeling quite sparky after 4 hours sleep.  I usually then drain and crash for the latter part of the afternoon and intertwined with all of this I am very irritable, sad and then at times intermittently productive, but it is such a whirlwind.  I am not complaining, well maybe a bit, but I have never been in this kind of state before and wonder if anybody else has felt similarly? 

Due to doctor’s orders I am staying awake on 4 hours sleep all day until tonight, hoping that when I double up my sedative medication (also on orders) that I will feel somewhat composed for my 8:30AM appointment with Dr. Song in the morning.  I am off work right now and my boyfriend is right, I don’t know how to relax.  He bought me a beautiful spa package for my birthday and here I am in my pj’s, and feeling so ‘blah’ and feeling quite guilty about it as many of us do.  This is not the blues, this is bipolar BUT I will now stand up and take that shower, make that spa appointment, eat lunch and take a long walk with my boyfriend.  It will feel like I am building a house, moving bricks and wood, but as long as I do a little bit, keep pushing and don’t give in too  much to the depression, I know I will be okay.    It felt good to write that!  Thanks for reading and I love you all! xo  

Babe

Picture credit: elfwood.com

As I stepped off the plane yesterday in Kamloops, I was thrilled to see my mother and Daddio2.  Her body`s frame had changed and her smile beamed in a way that I had not seen in such a long time.  She had lost a significant amount of weight and she was so tiny to hold.  Having been in the psych hospital for over half a year may have actually done her a lot of good.  Having shed so much weight it will cause her diabetes to be more easily controlled, her risk to heart attack and stroke has gone down drastically, her arthritis has eased and her mental health has improved drastically due to the Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock therapy in older days.  There is a lot of stigma around this method of treatment and I held a lot of reservations myself as visions flew through my mind of ‘One Flew over the Coo Coo’s Nest,’ it is a must rent.   My mother was truly impossible to treat with medication, even catatonic for long periods of time, and now she is able to have a meal in a restaurant with us and take part laughing in our silly conversations!  It feels like a miracle!  One of the most controversial treatments in mental health gave my mother back her sanity and is helping her to get better treatment by treatment and for this I feel richly blessed.

As I sit here I observe that my parents’ apartment is very small, almost to the point that the Christmas Tree takes up one quarter of the living room and my father’s heart is rich with gratitude as he was able to put up the tree with my mom this year and we thought it would only be the two of us.  I had tears in my eyes as we cheered our sparkling rasperberry juice and my father expressed how the rich meal he had prepared was worth every second!  He was glowing!  Gratitude is a theme that echoes this Christmas, especially this year!  I am grateful that I have so many people that love me and are part of my security net that is weaved together which includes many that I love, they are always sure I will never fall, and I offer the same for them, especially my mother.  I am so rich.

Even Bipolar Babe’s sunshine dims from time and time and I have found myself in a place that I have not been since 2005, which is needing some healing time away from work.  I noticed that I begun struggling  a couple of months ago to get to work and requested a later start time as my sleep was ranging from 3 hours then to a longer night’s slumber on the weekends of 14 hours!  My ability to keep a 9-5 schedule became impossible and to wake in the morning felt as if a ball and chain was wrapped around my body.  I barely had the energy to shower and would show up for work with wet hair and no make-up, not having had breakfast which is something I always do.  I began having an extremelydifficult time making my lunch for the next day and my organizational abilities began to falter.  I worked in an office setting and although I had always disliked cubicle life, I began to feel overwhelmed by its staleness, lack of sunshine and by the type of environment that it brought.  It felt as if every ounce of energy was soon gone and this became my every day reality.  I began to cry quietly in my cubicle often and the anxiety and fear of an attendance review due to my sporadic absences lunged anxiety into my gut daily.  Luckily, the people I worked with were amazing and I was able to temporarily focus on the task at hand with short blasts of energy, but always falling into a deep depression as the sun went down and it remained when it came to beckon me for another day.  I struggled and suggested working from home but with long-time set rules in a work place, even the most accommodating manager has their hands tied.  I am now inspired to explore the topic of workplace accommodation for people with a mental illness and I am sure that several employers would embrace this opportunity.

People often think that if you alter your work setting, the amount of work you do (which is not a solution as you lose your income), or your work hours that the problem may be resolved.  It may prove to aid in recovery somewhat but with all these considerations the fact remains I have an illness.  I automatically feel defensive when people say ‘you have so much going on, maybe you just need a break’ and with this it seems that the impact of the illness as the leading factor in a ‘breakdown’ or a ‘relapse’ is lost.  I prefer to call it mental health time and I am slowly learning that it is necessary for my health at this time.  I remind myself that I am not deficient, behind the game or weak for having to take this time to recoup.  I recently headed up a very successful and amazing event called the ‘Bipolar Babe Benefit’ which may have contributed to my need to seek refuge but then again having once run for the nomination for member of parliament did not cause me to falter.  I believe it all depends on where my illness is playing out in in my life at the time, how the chemicals are flowing in that busy brain of mine and how stable Ifeel overall.  I have no control of these particular things.  I don’t ever want to sound like a victim because I left those sentiments behind awhile ago but I feel it is important to stress that it is not the fault of the person who has the breakdown just as it is not for the person who has a heart attack.  If an employer were not to hire you due to the fact that you have a mental illness, then it may not be one that you would want to consider anyway.  I disclose in my interviews and express how important it is to work with an employer in an accommodating workplace.  There may be benefit that your personal experience can be used on the job, just as one of my manager’s most kindly commented that I was a change agent in the workplace and having been honest with my co-workers I allowed a freedom to be understood and it personally brought me peace.

I have only recently been living a rich, plentiful and busy life balancing school, work and the babe project and God has afforded me all of these wonderful opportunities, but there are several things that I have learned through this experience.  I will balance my life in a way that will be the most accomodating for me and I will explore this during my mental health leave and once I am well enough I will work with my employer to find a position that does not exasperate my medical condition.  I will remember and do the things that I love to do, such as taking walks by the ocean with my boyfriend and spend more time cuddling my cat.  I will remind myself and take action knowing that my nutrition is of utmost importance and my water intake is key to flushing the lithium through my body.  I will resume counseling sessions and ensure to partake in long conversations with close friends over tea.  I will go to the Pandora Arts Collective (PAC) and share in art therapy and I may even feel like speaking to a group of teens about self empowerment while having a mental illness for this is one of the most healing acts that I can do.  Do not think that sick leave consists of never leaving your home and sleeping all day but it is time to rejuvenate and to take comfort in that everything will work itself out in time.  Take a deep breath, download a CD with beautiful sounds of the ocean, put on your headphones and cry.  I am so blessed I still feel inspired to write as this is one avenue to easing the way out of the darkness.  Let the healing begin.

As I sit here I realize I am in total awe with the amount of amazing people I have met and worked with during this fundraiser.  As I have been leading up the organization of the benefit I have come into contact with many wonderful people.  I am inspired, especially for those that purchased 50 youth sponsorships to ensure that our teens are at this event learning about mental illness and will no doubt be inspired by their peers and what life has to offer.

The Bipolar Babe Project is about educating our youth, the next generation that will live without shame because they experience mental distress as they are part of a large movement that spells open communication and acceptance about mental illness.  Being frank and care free about having a mental illness is quite empowering and many of us desire to share that way of being with others, so they feel at ease with themselves and realize it is not such a curse at times.

At our benefit we have eight artists that are gifted with great talent and we all know that really there is somehow a connection between art and mental ‘illness’.  I told my nephew about this component of the show and he said ‘Auntie, aren’t all artists somewhat mentally ill anyway?’ I then realized how silly it is to say it is an illness…then I remember my mother who is catatonic at times and unable to be released from the hospital because she can’t care for herself.  Then I think ‘It is an illness and quite terrible at times.’

At the Babe project we do not want one person to suffer in silence ever again for all of our voices ought to be heard, especially when we need help.  It is a strong act to reach for help and to give it.  We will lead you on your way in the community and together we weave a security net that will catch you when you fall.  Stigma will cease to exist and eventually during the discussion of mental illness we will say ‘Stigma?  What does that mean?’

Much love,

Andrea AKA Bipolar Babe