Bipolar Babe

Who knew I would come to bare the name ‘Bipolar Babe’, sporting a bold capital B proudly on my new shiny shirt.  These days I regularly roll up my super hero gloves and stomp in wearing a matching pair of pink hero boots.  Well, not really but you catch my drift.  I have chased ‘Stigma’ through numerous classrooms, various organizations, and have hunted this culprit down in my local community.  It has been, and will continue to be a life-long arduous battle.  Some say it will never end, but I will not rest until this world is free of stigma forever.

Receiving a not so gentle nudge to leave home during high school encouraged me to explore my super hero powers, proving a new ability called ‘perseverance’.  There was no doubt of its prominence as I tore through my high school senior year snatching up an early university entrance and countless financial rewards that opened a promise of a new world beyond ordinary.

It became familiar to travel at the speed of light and I displayed this often, especially during the time when I gripped the steering wheel tightly venturing on a solo mission across Canada and then back one year later.  I became inspired, such as the time I ran for a Federal Party nomination, looking to be one of the youngest female members of parliament elected to Ottawa.  I have also  lived an existence far from the Western world, demonstrated by living for two years in a medium sized Korean city boasting 11,000 people.  In hero time I was able to do this and more before I turned 30 years old.  Thinking I only had a few years  remaining left me panicked.

My name is Andrea. 

I was inspired to create a Stigma Stomping Super Hero: BIPOLAR BABE because I know what it’s like to face great challenges, as I know many of you do.  I was originally from a place called Sudbury, Ontario.  Like all teenagers I was faced with some tough decisions: school, parents, alcohol and drugs, friends, and my future.   My father did his very best, but I was rebellious; however, I took it upon myself to call my mother and ask for a plane ticket to live with her in British Columbia.  She graciously embraced me and my new life began to unfold in a small town called Campbell River.  I graduated from CARIHI Secondary in 1996, but unfortunately my mother could not be there on that day as she was quite sick suffering from bipolar disorder.  My whole life I did not understand my mother’s disorder and was even embarrassed by her.  I only knew that under great times of stress she would often have to be hospitalized, which led to me leaving our home in grade 11 and I soon was on my own.  My attitude has certainly changed.   

I went on to the University of Victoria and graduated in 2002.  I loved living in Victoria and began my career in the BC government, and in my early twenties I began to truly grow and figure out what I wanted in life.  I often felt restless, taking on challenge after challenge, never feeling completely satisfied.  I embraced the belief that my future lie ahead in Ottawa, Ontario, so I sold all my belongings, packed my little car and drove across Canada alone.  It was amazing!  I stared up at lilac Saskatchewan skies, took in the scenery and saw frozen lakes for the first time since I left Eastern Canada.  I listened to hundreds of CDs, thousands of songs in my car and after 5 days arrived in Sudbury, Ontario. This was my home town, not having been back for nearly 10 years, I visited all of my old schools, churches and homes; it was overwhelming how all the memories flooded over me.

Upon arriving in Ottawa, I connected with my political colleagues, made new friends and began to establish myself in a place I now called home.  I loved Ottawa but suddenly things changed.  The story of ‘what happened to Andrea’ is long and personal but I have begun writing it in a book because it is so captivating and unreal.  At times it is difficult to decipher what was ‘real’ and what was simply caused by my illness.  In Ottawa, things began to change and transform in such a way that I cannot even explain to this day. 

I plunged into a ‘psychosis’

My reality became my own but still lapsed with this world.  I saw things, heard things and the entire time believing that all what was happening around me was truly taking place.  I started to have delusions and believe things that were not true and my mood was erratic ranging from hyper, talkative and extremely happy to switching to pouring out with tears and fear.  I willingly attended the psychiatric ward, still not thinking anything was ‘wrong’, but my peaceful demeanour accepted my friends’ concerns as genuine.  I was admitted to the hospital and spent nearly one month, and as I complied with my medication regime I began to return to reality.  My story has heartbreak, fear, hope and even a point where I even gave up on life.  I only truly had myself to rely on at that time in Ottawa, and with great survival skills and perseverance I crawled out of the gutter.  To this day, I understand why a lot of people with a mental illness end up on the streets, and it can happen to anyone one of us. 

I never felt completely ‘normal’ since that time. 

It was almost as if something had broken inside of me.  I left Korea and returned to Canada, hopeful with two suitcases by my side.  I left Canada angry and resentful, feeling everyone had turned their back on me.  It was not until I decided to have a healthy lifestyle and seize responsibility for my health that I really began to feel at my best.  In late 2007, I decided it was time to really live.

People are often shocked that I have a mental illness, and strangely is it possible to pick us out in a crowd.  I used to feel shameful and devastated, but with creating BIPOLAR BABE I have learned that even though there may be negative attitudes in the world, the only one that I can control is my own.  I share my personal story openly and freely to inspire the broken ones who feel there is nothing left for them after being hospitalized.  I also want to share with the curious ones and create a world of acceptance and freedom where we can all just be ourselves.  In sharing my story I shed the stigma within myself and that will then translate into the rest of the world.

I am blessed.

I have my health, a job, education, amazing relationships with friends and family…but after all of it I have a story to tell.  I am no different than anybody else for we all have a contribution.  This is why we have created the BLOG and the FORUM, to keep the conversation going as I am interested in what you have to say. 

Having bipolar disorder I have floated so high as to literally see the stars below me in a breath taking gaze above the earth, and in the next heart beat seeing the devil`s face dance and laugh at me during a torrid and insane psychosis.  It was as real as breathing air into my lungs and as natural as opening my eyes when I awoke in the morning.  Bipolar affective disorder has brought me to my knees losing all ability to prepare a meal for myself and when I did I was unable to taste my food as ALL things were stale and bland.  Taking a shower has felt like an attempt to build a house on my own.  I became disabled and confined to my bed for days at a time. 

However, I feel that due to bipolar illness I laugh harder, feel deeper and at times my thoughts flow in perfect harmony allowing my creative juices to boil for poetry, art and writing.  Although my hands shake and I depend on medication to function, I see bipolar illness as my cursed gift as it has brought me to open a space for others to heal and share their story and for this I am grateful.